Adventure Site Contest: Nalfeshnee’s Monastery

Written by Ethan B.
AD&D, Levels 8-10
Monastery in the perilous mountains.
  The monastery is in a perilous mountain range with high rocky cliffs, 500 feet above the bottom of the valley. 30 normal human anchorites live in the monastery and will be wandering around in packs of 2-12. They do not usually fight. All followers of the cult have odd face tattoos.
  I don’t think this is necessarily a serious entry. Set in a fallen and corrupted monastery up in the mountains, the author’s quite pretty map is inhabited by puns and anachronism, staffed by a monster zoo and “evil yuppie cultists”, its primary treasures a matched pair of chainswords guarded by a type IV demon named PORK’D. I was excited by the map and the highish level range, then I was mildly miffed to be trolled, but then I realized this can also be used to troll players, so that’s something at least. Maybe I should have looked more closely at the cover image.
  Format is standard, by now we all know the sequence that has evolved, crab-like, time and time again in these adventure sites…history-> rumors-> hooks-> key, all two-column. It’s a good format, and the writing is clean and straightforward despite the wry puns peppered throughout. No gothic majesty, nor whispering corruptions, nor a bright and deceptive mien is presented here, just very functional writing in service of references. But let’s get Mary Todd’s mind off things by looking at the substance of the play.
  The map is quite nice-looking, another case where the author probably does wish we were grading on artistic merit. It’s sadly also rather simple, just a simple curtain wall around a garden leading to a chapel. Levels 8-10 probably don’t have too much need to approach the very formidable gate, which is nicely set up for defense. I like the random side-bridge to the cave of minotaurs, that has to be an attractive alternate entryway. It’s mid-high level and an outdoor location, so just assume the players arrive wherever they want to arrive. Still, looks nice.
  Assuming the most gormless group of level 9’s ever bumbles up the ramp, there are some quite substantial challenges to face. It starts out promising, with a hollow statue full of molten gold and a “ring of sets you on fire”. The gatehouse with a pair of leucrota, skeleton archers, and a bugbear squad all as defenders is a tough fight potentially, followed by a garden full of horned werewolves, random undead in a closet, a vampire with monk minions (aforementioned yuppie cultists, sigh), an ogre magus cook, animated armor, and of course a cherub statue that pees green slime, classy. The clear focus of the site is on a demon pit 666ft beneath the chapel, where a pair of chain swords beckon and PORK’D, the titular Nalfeshnee, as well as 665 manes all wait to the released. I don’t think it’ll play out nearly as metal as that sounds, but at least it’s an idea for a set-piece. Negotiation is vaguely hinted at but never given much serious thought.
  Treasure is frankly piddling. Little dribs and drabs here and there, not enough gold to pay for most parties this level to even get out of bed. That statue of molten gold? When it all cools off, you’re looking at 800gp. Magic is also pretty restrained, with a pair of +1 plate suits and the chainswords just about it…and before you get excited, the chainswords are just +1 bastard swords with a free single-target cleave. Be still my beating heart. A few vague notions of hiding “treasure” are seen here and there but the amounts are so tiny it’s barely worth it.
  Tragically, an actual demon monastery in the mountains would be very easy to place on just about any world. If you dislike your players and want to annoy them at high level without actually threatening them much, well, Nalfeshnee’s Monastery is easy to place like an artful middle finger wherever you want to go.

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